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The Church Ladies Meet The Bastard
A one person play in one act
written and performed by John Tyrrell
The doorbell rings.
"Coming!" while going up the stairs from the basement computer room.
The doorbell rings again.
"Coming!!" in a louder voice.
Through the window can be seens a trio of ladies, modestly dressed.
Forcing a large smile and opening the door.
"Oh certainly, I'm quite familiar with your church. It's only two blocks away. I walk past it almost daily"
"No, I don't attend any church right now."
"Well, I do appreciate your invitation to attend, but I have to know something about your church first. Do you mind answering one question?"
"Great! Do you agree that the Holy Bible is the eternal inerrant Word of God?"
"You do! Wonderful. Then we are in total agreement. But of course, you should realize that is why I can't attend."
"Oh no, it's not that I disagree with you, but God has actually made a point of forbidding me to attend."
"Oh dear ladies, please don't look at me as if I'm crazy. I don't have voices in my head pretending to be God. God didn't tell me directly. It's written in the Book that I am forbidden to join you."
"Oh yes, it is in the Book! It's quite explicit. Here, let me look it up. There's a Bible right here on the bookshelf.
leafs through the book
OK - here it is: Deuteronomy 23:2...
No bastard shall enter into the assembly of the Lord; even to the tenth generation none of his descendents shall enter into the assembly of the Lord.
"... and my parents were not married. I'm a bastard. So, of course I cannot attend."
"I'm sorry ladies, don't argue the point. We all agreed the Holy Bible is the eternal inerrant Word of God. And that's what the Holy Bible specifically states that God wants - He wants me to keep out of your church."
"No, there's no point in sending your pastor around to discuss it with me. I can read what the book says. It's unequivocal. You wouldn't ask your pastor to argue against the Word of God, would you?"
"You could come back later and talk to my girlfriend about attending. She'd like to meet some new people. Ohhh... wait a minute... I'm sorry. she was recently doing some genealogical research. One of her great-great grandfathers was illegitimate. So she's got a few generations to go before her descendants are permitted. And if we have kids together... well... her 10 generation clock starts all over."
"So ladies, there's really no point in coming back. Your God does not want us."
voice gradually rising... "Because the F*cking! Asshole! that you worship penalizes 10 innocent generations for the supposed sins of the parents."
voice back to pleasant conversational tone, and smiling "'Bye now. I really enjoyed meeting you. Have a nice day."
and louder as the ladies scurry away "Remember, Jesus loves you - as long as you have no bastards in your family tree. Are you certain you don't?"