Did You Just Call God a Pussy?
by: Reverend Bob X
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Did you just call God a pussy?
"Are you sure? 'Cause I am pretty sure you just said that you were going to kill someone for your God and I was just wondering when your God grew to weak to kill that someone himself. I mean, he's knockin off Mommies and puppies like there's no tomorrow, for them anyways. But he needs your: Crusader / Jyhadist / Zionist / Pro-life / Zealot / Inbred / Moronic-please use whichever best describes you- Ass to help take on the tough ones like adolescent or worse, full grown Men?
Yeah, think about it. God made everything, but he needs your help taking care of some of the yard work. Wow, Divine Outsourcing, guess it is all the rage these days. But are you certain you're the person for the job? Wouldn't it be a lot cheaper for God to use illegal immigrants for this kinda work? It does seem that he's a bit pressed for cash. At least that's what Fallwell and the Gang keep telling me. Just look at how much he lost on Pat Robertson's Operation Blessing Diamond Mine Operation.
If it wasn't for FEMA "accidentally" posting that discredited and painfully not non-profit venture on its Katrina page God might have had to shake up a little more ocean front property to sell off to pay his gambling debts. Oh yeah, and you should be careful who you talk in front of, 'cause the last time I told someone that I had to go kill some people for my imaginary friend, I woke up 6 months later in a bathrobe with a strange desire to lick electric lines and watch TV all day. Seems there's a law about being a danger to your self and others."
9 Simple Rules for Religious People:
- If you claim your God is all powerful, you can not ask for or try to help him in any way. He does not need it! He is all powerful.
- If you claim your God is Everything, you can not also claim he is on your side as opposed to anyone else's. He is on all sides! He is all sides.
- If you claim your God created everything, you can not say he has needs. He created money! He does not need any!
- If you caim your God is the only God, you can not make a gender specific description of him. He does not have genitalia! She does not reproduce her kind.
- If you claim your God has a purpose for everything, you can not try to change anything. Who are you to interfere with the Will of God?
- If you claim your God is Omniscient, you can not claim that prayer is anything more than annoying to him. Omniscience precludes ADD and short term memory loss. He does not need you to remind him of current events, gossip, or what you want for Christmas. He knows already!
- If you claim your God is Great, you can not claim he has the worst of human traits such as jealousy, hatred, anger, or any other of the things more aptly attributed to ex-significant others whom the term Great is never used in regards to. Unless for sarcasm of course as in, "you mean that rabbit boiling freak I used to live with? Yeah, she was a Great Girlfriend!"
- If you claim we are saved by the Grace of God alone, quit telling me to do things. It does not matter what I do. It only matters that God has Grace! That's it! That's what alone means.
- If you claim that you are Saved and that Heaven Awaits you, please by all means go now! Why wait? If you think God needs you to do anything here, please reread rules 1-8. Oh, and try not to take anyone with you. God will get around to them when He decides it is their time to go. You are only responsible for yourself, figuratively. Actually, God and his Grace have that one taken care of too, so... Whatever.
As for me, I claim nothing really. But if there is a God, it would seem that He has left us here, by ourselves for the most part, with only the means to get by without Him. I gotta give him props on that one!