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Meditation 07
The Case for Apathetic Agnosticism

A guest meditation by the Reverend Gabe Weinberg
(This article copyright Gabe Weinberg 1999)

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Inspiration: Remember the movie Roxanne, the Hollywood adaptation of Cyrano de Bergerac by Edmond Rostand? In the movie, this drunk guy makes fun of Steve Martin's "nose" and Steve Martin is all 'that insult is pathetic' and the guy is all 'can you do better?', And then Steve Martin proceeds to make up twenty witty insults on the spot.

Believers of the Apathetic Agnostic Church, hold that:

  1. The existence of a Supreme Being is unknown and unknowable;
  2. If there is a Supreme Being, then that Being is entirely apathetic to events in our universe; and
  3. We are apathetic to the existence or non-existence of a Supreme Being.

My case for everyone joining my Church is grounded on the following bases:

Rational: At present, the hypothesis that god exists is beyond the realm of scientific inquiry; that is, no experiment can be designed to accurately test the hypothesis. In other words, there exists no evidence that proves god's existence or non-existence. Thus, both atheism and theism are both quite literally "leaps of faith." Personally I find no reason to make such a leap either way since I have things that I would rather do with my seemingly finite conscious time on Earth than contemplate the unknowable. That is, Thinking about religion is a waste of time since I have people to see and places to go.

Economic: Religion in the US is a $multibillion / yr industry. Just think, we could channel those $ into other meaningless consumer-driven endeavours.

Musical: Christian rock is just screaming for a counter-culture; well, not literally...

Sexual: Almost all religions hold some "practices" immoral. I'll type some dots to indicate the limitless possibilities...

Criminal: Remember the crusades? That whole "I'm impaling you in the name of religion" thing just won't cut it anymore.

Medical: Good-bye Christian science and all its crazy derivatives.

Democratic: Let the people choose! (I have always rather appalled the whole I have to be the religion I was born into deal.)

Feminism: In the Apathetic Agnostic Church, we don't have time to care about gender bias.

Moral: I offer you this poem I wrote in high school:

2 Religions
heretics be damned
tithes
television evangelists
seven cardinals choose a pope
genocide
the catholic mistress
"i'm booked through the roof"
_______________________________________
(sum of above sin)
the agnostic loves his neighbor on his own volition
_______________________________________
2 religions

Perhaps over dramatic, perhaps... but the point was that the agnostic has a higher probability of considering his / her actions on a rational basis then on an irrational one. That is, it is better to believe in something on your own accord than accept dogma.

Artistic: Piss Christ II with a solid NEA grant. Let the real art stand tall.

Scientific: The rampant pseudoscience incurred through widespread belief in mythical religion impedes our technological progression.

Multiculturalism: OK, you got me. I have no idea what is the thing that is called multiculturalism.

Family life: No, you don't have to lie to your kids. No, you don't have to worry about religious school and answering unanswerable questions. No, you don't have to argue about what religion to raise your kids.

Political: God damn that religious right.

Are you sold? Want to "convert," but see no reason why? Well, exactly...

Keep the following in mind:

  1. The moment you declare (whether through internal monologue or by loud verbal exclamation) that "I don't know and I don't care," you are "converted." In other words, all non-believers are de facto members.
  2. You probably won't go to hell! An Apathetic Agnostic does not deny the existence of god or the "absolute truth" of a given religion. So, if and when Judgment Day comes, you can concede and live out eternity in heaven.

Well, I'm sold, and that is why I am officially an ordained minister of the Church of the Apathetic Agnostic. Join us.