UCTAA churchlight

Site Search via Google


Agnostic Testimony 18
Raised toxically Catholic

by David C. M.

To open a discussion on this article, please use the contact page to provide your comments.

Thanks for taking a few moments to review my application for ordination.  I can’t tell you how glad I was to stumble onto your web-site.  I hope that you will approve my ordination.

Let me tell you a little about myself.

I was raised toxically Catholic. My Mother was a Huguenot but had to convert in order to marry my Dad.

When my Grandmother passed away (she was still a Huguenot) my Mother was worried about the disposition of her immortal soul.  She was worried that her own mother would be damned because heaven was only for Catholics.

This was the official doctrine taught to my mother.  I was a young boy and I had enough sense to know that this was nonsensical and cruel.

Of course there is so much nonsense that is plain to a child but we are threatened with hell-fire for merely thinking such heresy.  I did try to keep with my church but as I became older, I could not resolve the conflict between my sexuality and the teachings of my church.  So I began a search for a new church but all I found was more nonsense.  I could not force myself to believe it.

In the same way that I had to admit my sexuality to myself I had to admit that I was an Atheist and had been since I was a child.  I knew then that church doctrine was irrational, intolerant, contradictory, and plainly false.  But because I don’t want my existence to end, I was an uncomfortable Atheist.

Atheism is now in conflict with my rationality.  It’s impossible to prove a negation, as far as I understand.  The truth is I don’t know.  God could of course give much more evidence of his existence.  He could (or she, or it, whatever) could manifest on Earth and, let's say, make the planet leave orbit and bounce off the sun without hurting anyone, then travel in an instant to a new galaxy and orbit a new sun.  That would be more than enough proof for me.  That hasn’t happened.  I can’t force myself to believe the plagiarized myths and legends of the Bible or Koran.  Yet I still hope that my existence, the existence of my loved ones, and even the existence of my cat, will not end.

I don’t even care about God.  I don’t need him to continue on some other plain of existence; I’m much more self- centered than that.  Perhaps I could believe any of a variety of mystical claim of the afterlife.  Carl Sagan said that, extraordinary claims require extraordinary proof. There has been no such proof so faith in claims of an afterlife is for the foolish.

Still I don't want life to end.  I shall live with the hope that there is a big picnic in the sky for us after we die, but I shall act as if there is not.  I will make the best of reality as it exist, mock foolishness, make myself and others happy as I can, and I will not live with fear of death.  Whatever happens, there’s not a damned thing I can do about it.

That’s how I see it and I am ready to start telling people about it.  I also hope that you will grant my request for ordination because this is a church I can believe in based upon reason and not nonsense.