UCTAA churchlight

Site Search via Google


Agnostic Testimony 1
A Former Evangelical Christian’s Guide to Falling Away From Jesus (The First Apathetic Testimony of the Apathetic Agnostic Church )

By: Evan D

A discussion on this article has been opened in Debate and Discourse. Please feel free to add your thoughts to the discussion via the contact page.

Whoever you are, this guide is for you.  You are either outraged by the fact that I have fallen away from Jesus and are anxious to argue with me or you are another freethinker curious about why a man would leave his faith.  For either audience, my goal is to weaken your faith through my apathetic testimony.

First I would like to start out with some credibility so that there will be nobody reading this that can argue that I never really was a Christian and that God predestined me to be an unbeliever.  At the very young age of four years old, I accepted Christ into my life at our county fair.  Some elderly Christian Fundamentalists were showing a movie about Jesus in a trailer and I accepted Jesus shortly after watching it.  I grew up going to church every week for my whole life and was very active through out the entirety of my membership.  At about age seven, I was baptized by my pastor in my own swimming pool and began taking communion in the church at about that time. 

Entering into high school, I was not a very strong Christian, but still believed in God.  Through out high school I was very involved with the church youth group even though I still managed to get into some worldly trouble at times.  Around my senior year of high school, I began having my first religious experiences and had a major change of heart.  I considered this to be my spiritual rebirth and began living as I thought a mature Christian ought to behave.

I made profession of faith at my parents new church, joined the choir, became a student leader with my youth group, and attended various mission trips.  My best friend and I wanted to dive more into God’s word so started our own Bible study hoping to lead those around us closer to God.  By the end of senior year I was a changed person and ready to continue living my life for God.

In the fall of 2000, I started college and joined Intervarsity Christian Fellowship; I maintained active membership with the organization for four years and attended church weekly.  My sophomore year I lead an inductive bible study and a group investigating God (GIG) for non-believers.  I was passionate about both evangelism and apologetics and educated myself on the tough questions by reading books by CS Lewis and Josh McDowell.  My junior year, I was elected to the Vision Team for Intervarsity and was in charge of directing relational evangelism for our chapter.  I held the position for a year and a half and then joined up with the worship team as the rhythm guitarist.  During my time with Intervarsity, I witnessed the conversion of three of my closer friends as they came to a closer relationship with Christ.

During my summers off from college, I worked at a Christian day camp to teach latch-key kids around Chicago about Jesus.  In 2003, I was given charge over an entire day camp of about 40 3rd and 4th graders.  During my summers alone, I prayed with over 50 children for their salvation and guaranteed them a place in the heavenly kingdom.

I was a Christian for 18 years of my life and I believe that my dedication of service toward the Christian cause can be taken as evidence of the faith that was present in my life.  On November 28, 2004 I wrote in my prayer journal for the last time “I became an agnostic tonight.”  While I was somewhat unsure about denying my love for Christ and basically my entire identity for 18 years, I have never looked back. 

Christianity is a disease of the psyche; for 18 years I tormented myself with the belief that I was an evil person, unworthy of the eternal gift of life that God offered me.  When I messed up, I was emotionally smitten by the knowledge that I had rebelled against the God I claimed to love.  Christianity forbade me to love myself in the same manner that I loved others and I became a depressed, lonely mess.  Religion became and addiction for me.  My sexuality was repressed to a point where I hid my desires and masturbated in secret so that nobody would ever find out that I was a sexual being.  I hid my pornography addiction from fellow Christians because I was afraid they would question my faith not realizing that many Christians masturbate with Jesus.

Agnosticism has liberated me from the abuse that I have put myself through for so many years as a Christian.  Although I no longer have an eternal purpose, I at least know that I can live a happy life without the never-ending shame cycles.  I have rid myself of abusive relationships instead of turning the other cheek to every person who does me wrong and have begun to learn how to say no to coercive individuals.  Last year I began therapy for many of my psychological problems; I have come to the conclusion that my entire religious experience was a delusion of grandeur of a schizoaffective mind.  Because of Apathetic Agnosticism, I no longer need to lead a life that is harmful to me and can concentrate on my emotional rather than my spiritual health.


Have your say:

Please take a moment to share your thoughts, pro and con, on this Testimony.

comments powered by Disqus